This guest post merits a guest reply; Rev. Jarvis, thanks for your words. Readers, anything to add?
Alicia, this is a distressing situation indeed – you’re far from your loved ones, unable to help in any practical way, worried about both your sister and your parents. Fortunately you’re finding good support among your close friends, both online and in person. You know you’re not alone and you have people to affirm your feelings and listen deeply. But it sounds like you’re wanting something more, and wondering whether your nontheistic religion could possibly provide it. What is pastoral care for the humanist?
In any context I’m aware of, pastoral care is pretty much what you’re receiving from loving and trusted friends, and even the internet. It’s a compassionate witness to those feelings of sorrow and helplessness, a non-anxious presence, and awareness that you’re not alone.
But even with that loving support provided by friends, you long to talk to your minister. Maybe it would be helpful to consider what you feel is missing.
As you describe what you imagine a Christian minister might say, it seems to be a way of making sense of what you’re experiencing. What’s the meaning behind all the pain? Is there a larger context, and can it offer hope? I think you’re asking whether your religion can help you make sense of your pain and fear.
If it ultimately can’t, I’d advise you to consider changing religions. But first, take the time to struggle with understanding your experience of helplessness and vulnerability, in light of your own faith. The Rev. Rebecca Parker, in her book Blessing the World: What Can Save Us Now, says that when our current faith is inadequate to explain our reality, we have three options: reject our faith, deny our experience, or become theologians. That last option is about wrestling with the stories and traditions and our own experience until it all becomes meaningful, and we have a faith we can rely on to help us make it through this night and the many nights to come.
Chaplains in a hospital aren’t supposed to impose their own theology on a patient struggling through a life crisis. They’re trained to provide support and comfort to patients of all religions and none. They mostly listen and affirm, meeting people where they are. But if a person in crisis signals a need to understand their situation in a greater spiritual sense, if they’re searching for a deeper meaning, the chaplain helps them do that by evoking the power of their own traditions and beliefs (the patient’s, not the chaplain’s.)
I think most UU ministers are particularly good at this. We don’t feel called to make everyone’s experience fit neatly into One Great True Story.
Though I’m not a Christian, I really doubt that most liberal Christian ministers would be evoking the Christian worldview in quite the literal, simplistic sense you describe. How would that really help someone in crisis? Only if you’re truly able to ignore the realities of this life in favor of a joyful existence after death, would (it seems to me) you find that comforting. It’s all part of a larger plan controlled by a God that has the power to make it all better…..really? Just observing life as you know it tells you that things sometimes don’t turn out as we hope, good people suffer, we are all vulnerable all the time. If you hear the Christian story in that literal sense, you have to conclude that maybe God won’t make things better for you, even though God could. Where’s the comfort in that?
I think you’re longing for this sort of comfort, but seeing it available only if you were able to accept that supernatural literalism, and you can’t. It doesn’t fit with your experience of life. But underneath Christian dogma is the reality of human existence that can be evoked, through Christian stories and traditions, to make meaning in a much deeper, non-literal sense that does resonate with people’s experience. The same can be said for Unitarian Universalism, with a non-theistic focus – but as with any religious tradition, you have to do the wrestling part. Humanism is not (should not be) just an absence of certain beliefs. If it ultimately can’t help you find meaning and comfort through the joy and suffering of life, I’d advise exploring other alternatives. Naturalistic humanism works for me, but the wrestling has taken years, and if you’re doing it right, is never over.
In this case, the first step would be to talk to your minister. He should be able to help provide context and form for the wrestling. Blessings on your journey.